Hello, Microsoft.

I have just wasted about an hour trying to figure out how the hell I am
supposed to ask you a question about one of your filthy, worthless
products.

Internet Explorer will not save a web page with its associated graphics in
certain instances. Instead, it says "The web page could not be saved to
the selected location." I have read the reason for this before, yet a
search about--that's right--an hour ago turned up no results. I looked for
the phrase "to the selected location." I mean, that's part of what the
error message says. It uses those very words. I even checked to make sure
I spelled it exactly right. Seems like that text would be present
SOMEWHERE in your knowledge base, under the section for Internet Explorer
6, the program that gives me the error message. Nope. No such luck.
Apparently your error messages do not coordinate with your knowledge base.
That would be helpful.

Never mind the message is, itself, not helpful. The "selecte(oops, hang
on, Outlook just popped its reminder window up in my face WHILE I WAS IN
THE MIDDLE OF TYPING THIS. I love when you do that, Microsoft!)d location"
has nothing to do with the error. No matter where I try to save the page,
no luck. I believe, from what I read before (from your knowledge base,
unless I am greatly mistaken) that this has to do with an update that was
released at some point for Internet Explorer. I guess my original question
was, are you going to get around to fixing this at any point? I mean, I
know you know the problem exists. It is a nice feature, being able to save
the occasional web page, with its graphics intact and all. But it doesn't
work with some pages, and I guess I'd just like to know if, having broken
it, and (at one time, anyway) having acknowledged that you had broken it,
you were planning on doing anything about it.

And then I tried to ask you that.

I went to your support page. I went to the part where I'm supposed to get
to ask you a question. But as every single technical operative at your
company is more important than the Wizard of Oz, this proved completely
impossible. I bought my computer from Dell. Dell's a fine company. But
because I did that, you won't let me ask you about the product. You told
me to go to Dell. As it were.

Yes, but...Dell didn't write the offending program, did Dell? No, Dell did
not. You did. You wrote it, and you broke it. So why ask Dell? Dell
doesn't know what you've done.

Do you know, I might've liked to have tried something like Linux. Other
people do still make operating systems out there, don't they? I might've
liked a blank, fresh system I could put a Linux or a Unix or some such
thing on, but I bought a computer from Dell and since you're the big game
in town I have to buy your software with the system. Dell has a deal with
you. Dell paid something for that software, maybe not retail, but
something. I'm sure they're not giving it to me for nothing. So if I buy
a computer from Dell--or almost anyone else--I'm not asked if I would like
Windows, I have to buy Windows. But if I do buy Windows that way, I cannot
get support for it. I'm beginning to feel a mite screwed, here.

I tried entering the Product ID, and was told to go to Dell. So I decided
to improvise. I dug out a 3 year old copy of Encarta, and I installed it.
It's the only software of yours I have that isn't an OEM version. Meaning
it's the only thing made by you I've EVER CHOSEN to purchase. There was a
rebate. It was free, after the rebate.

Having installed Encarta 2000, I got the Product ID from that. At this
point, I just sort of wanted to ask if your company had any sense of
responsibility whatsoever for what you have wrought on the world, you great
jolly megalith, you.

I want you to have to read my words, because I have to look at yours every
damn day. Generally in some sort of error dialog. Or occasionally on a
soothing screen painted all in deepest blue.

Went back. Chose "Encarta" for product instead of "Internet Explorer"
(wait, no, that wasn't an option on the list--I mean instead of "Windows
XP"). Typed in the Product ID. Was told (drumroll, please)...you don't
offer support IN THIS COUNTRY for that Product ID.

But...I bought it in this country.

Checked that I had typed it in correctly. I had. Checked once again.
Yep. Cleaned my glasses. Hmm...still says "in this country." Okay.

I could bore you with all the details of what I tried then. I went through
every support option you offer. Hey, for $245 I can call you on the phone!
That's pretty sweet. I could pay $245 to hear you tell me to go to Dell
for support on a product YOU wrote and published. Cool.

But I'll skip right to the part where I went to one of your "communities"
for support. That's where I found a really neat-o looking page full of
bright, shiny graphics. Looked a lot like an advertisement. Like most of
your products do, these days. Did I see any place for me to submit a
question for the consideration of the "community?" I bet you can figure
out the answer to that.

I mean, there was a little bit of information on your newsgroups. Ninety
trillion dollars you must've spent on that bloated, script-ridden, cookie-
filled web page, and you send people to the newsgroups. Yessir, doesn't
get much more modern than a newsgroup. Of course, fewer and fewer people
are familiar with the technology and etiquette required to use newsgroups.
But then, those ignorant, easily discouraged peons don't deserve technical
help, do they? They only shelled out money for your software, or for a
computer which came with mandatorily-installed copies of some of your
software.

Also on the "communities" page was a link called "Windows XP Support
Center," which lead right back to where I had started from an hour before.
Elegant.

And hey, look--there's also a forthcoming article being hyped! "Coming
Next Week: Award-winning computer journalist Ed Bott explains how to use
the Backup utility in Windows XP and third-party back up tools to protect
essential data." Well, that would have been useful before last week, when
the partition table on my main data drive decided to go south and take out
a year's worth of projects for school and some nice, irreplaceable personal
information. So, I guess thanks for that, too. I mean, I hadn't even
planned on mentioning that to you. You're busy, and you don't need me
bothering you with my little problems.

(Windows has been kind enough to inform me ever since that the drive "is
not formatted," which is not strictly accurate, but that's okay because I'm
smart enough to figure out the real problem myself. I like knowing I can
make my computer's life a little easier.)

Of course, while you may not need me bugging you with questions, you
certainly do need me to submit a quart of blood and 35 stellar references
just so I can get to the point of typing in a Product ID you won't
support...in this country. I had to create a stinking Hotmail account just
so I'd have a lousy Passport ID so I could even take a look at the useless
support page that wound up helping me not one whit. (A Passport ID which
is now linked to my user account on this computer. Super. Thanks for
that.) That, of course, involved trudging through 15 pages of "which of
these newsletters would you like to subscribe to" and "please tell us all
your hobbies." So I can get an email account. (But not one with
"Microsoft" or "Bill Gates" in the name--I guess I could use that to screw
people, and that job's been filled already. That, or else my name is
really William Gates, although surely there could only be one in the whole
world. Let's hope, anyway.)

But, the delay of wading through those forms aside, I'm glad you've taken
such a profound interest in me as a person that you would have me click
inside little square boxes in order that you may learn about the
intricacies that make up my fascinating and variegated life. You really do
care!

Or else you're the devil, and you're trying to steal my very soul.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate you, Microsoft?

Neil Obstat